Take it slow: the importance of pacing your MtF transition

Transitioning from male to female can be a complex, strange, exhilarating and terrifying experience. Especially if you’ve been living with gender dysphoria for a long time, moving quickly may feel like the only thing you can do to save yourself from the constant, daily trauma you live in.

But a slow, measured pace can often lead to better results in the long term than trying to move through the process as quickly as possible (or even quicker). And in the short term, harassment and abuse as a new trans woman is a real and potentially traumatic experience in of itself.

Taking things slow gives you a chance to acclimate to your new external gender, while also building a sense of self-confidence in your emerging identity and capabilities.

Physical Changes Take Time

When you start HRT, your body begins reshaping itself based on the influence of estrogen. But, just like a normal puberty, it takes years to see the full impact of the changes. At first, you’ll notice some obvious growth (like bigger nipples and breasts), but other changes take a lot more time; the facial softening associated with a feminine look is caused by fat redistribution in the face, which takes a few years to really be obvious.

There really isn’t much you can do to rush this process, and in fact many trans women seek surgery, either FFS or breast augmentation, early on to ‘fix’ issues which may resolve themselves with more time.

In my own transition, I didn’t notice many changes for the first 6 months. By month 12, I looked a bit more feminine and had small AA cup breasts, but still had a lot of masculine features. By month 24, I noticed a big difference in my facial structure and body composition; a smaller jaw line, less defined muscles, and fuller cheeks.

You Have a Lot to Learn

Being a woman in the real world takes a lot of new skills. If your goal is to pass as a female, you’ll need to master a number of new skills, like hair, makeup, clothes, hygiene, and speech (I have a running list of all the things I’ve had to, and continue to learn.)

There simply isn’t enough time in the day to learn all these things in a few short weeks or months. Mastery takes even longer; the difference between a passable makeup job and a good one is the product of lots of trial and error.

Rushing the process can lead to awkward results. In of itself, these aren’t bad and everyone goes through them, but they are hard emotionally. Subjecting yourself to constant criticism (whether internal or external) is really painful and can lead to negative impacts on your overall mental health and happiness.

Taking a slower approach gives you time to focus on one, or a few, things, work through them until you are comfortable and confident. Then you can move onto the next set of skills.

Your Interests and Likes Change Too

As you transition, you learn a ton about yourself. What you thought you liked when you were presenting as a man can, and will, change as you begin to explore living as a woman.

For example, I imagined myself wearing super feminine clothes (lots of dresses and skirts). Once I began to transition, I found I was a lot more comfortable wearing pants and the super feminine clothes didn’t appeal to me in the same way. The only way I could figure that out was by trying lots and lots of different clothes and styles.

Rushing through the process is going to mean you’ll spend a lot of money on things you may not like at all. I made that mistake with makeup – rather than go slow and focus on different parts of my makeup one by one, I went out and bought everything I thought I would need. Turns out, I had to replace most of the products as I learned what works with my skin and face; a little more time and research probably would have saved me hundreds of dollars.

You Don’t Have To Do It All At Once

Coming to terms with your gender identity, sharing that with the people you love, and changing how you appear are all different and distinct parts of the transition process.

I think a lot of trans women feel like all three have to be done at the same time; the minute you decide you want to transition, you have come out to your family and start wearing women’s clothes and makeup. While that certainly is a good path for many, its not the only way.

I was older when I started my transition, and I had a family and career I wanted to do everything I could to maintain. It took me a few years of therapy to really come to terms with my gender identity, and all that time I was still dressing and living as a man. Even after I came out to my wife and family, I continued to outwardly present as a man, while practicing those skills I needed to know to live as a woman.

Finally, once I was comfortable with myself and my ability to be the woman I wanted to be, I slowly started to shift my appearance. For months, I was a bit more feminine each day, until I reached the point where I was seen as a woman more than a man.

This slow transition gave me a chance to feel comfortable and confident in myself. It also gave those I love time to process my changes and have confidence that the emerging me was a better version of the me they had always known.

Even though I urgently and immediately wanted to be a woman, taking it slow was better for my own mental health and those that I care about.

Fast or slow, I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments.